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Empathy in Action

Years ago I splurged on a course at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, where, among other things, I learned that leadership is a constant tug between assertiveness and empathy.

Assertiveness without empathy, I learned, leads to conflict with followers and damaged relationships, while empathy without assertiveness is weak and undermines a leader’s status.

I was there in Cambridge just after the Clinton administration, and our professors spoke about Clinton’s strength in both areas, and Gore’s struggle to connect empathetically with voters and project an “alpha male,” assertive persona.

None of us is perfect, but as a leader, it’s ideal to have both.  This dual capability is also essential for highly effective communicators, whether or not they happen to be leaders in the traditional sense.

In sales, for instance, where you are leading your audience to a conclusion, you need to understand the client’s situation, and speak to them in their language about issues that are important to them.  That is empathy in action, and those of us who are better at it have a better chance of being successful—in sales, leadership, and other aspects of interpersonal life.

Having just come back from a meeting with a consulting firm seeking to improve its ability to sell its complex bundle of services, I can assure you that while we all pay lip service to these basic ideas, it ain’t easy, especially when your corporate culture is technical and wants to talk about its unique process for delivering its expertise.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen such densely packed slides, so many incomprehensible diagrams, and so much unfamiliar technical language.   Watching and listening to the talk, I was reluctant to admit my confusion as we began to work on the document.  I hoped that in time, after I’d spent a day or two with the team, I would have a eureka moment and grasp the point of their sales pitch.

I think I finally figured it out on the morning of the second day.  They were arguing that they could improve the efficiency and effectiveness of their client’s operations, and do so in less time, and with less risk of failure than could any of their larger and more renowned competitors.

But man oh man it was hard to extract that message from the tangled web of slides.  They were being very assertive about their abilities, but their appeal was less effective than it could have been because it lacked empathy.

Rather than speaking about the client company—their situation, problems, and aspirations—their talk was built around the features of their process, rather than the unique and quantifiable benefits the prospect might receive.

This is not a new insight.  Consider it a reminder that the ability to empathize with listeners, and frame your communication around their needs and interests, is one of the keys to influence, leadership and sales.