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Getting permission to coach

A very thoughtful client, and subscriber to our Presentation Pointers, sent me this email:

I have a question – Can you offer me 1-2 tips for giving presentation feedback for senior and mid-level managers?  Examples of areas where feedback is needed – reading the slides or notes, talking too softly and refusing to use a microphone, or having a sarcastic condescending tone with the audience.  I realize these are different problems, and what I am looking for are suggestions to open the dialogue for feedback.  They typically want to know about content, and not “style.”  What works with some leaders – sarcastic, condescending problem – is I ask them how they think the presentation went, and they usually feel like they missed the mark and we talk about where it derailed.  Any ideas?

An article called The Psyche on Automatic which appears in the Harvard Alumni Magazine provides further evidence that style matters.  Amy Cuddy, the lead researcher, and the quoted source in the article, demonstrates that others form their opinions of us based on two criteria, the perception of warmth and competence.  Warm and competent people do best;  warm and incompetent people, believe it or not, can in some situations, do better than the cold and competent. Relationships, she suggests, can take us further than mere technical skill.   

A speaker’s style has substance because it communicates attitude, generates perceptions in others, causes emotions to occur, which in turn cause behaviors.  The inability to understand this simple cascade of events has made many smart people stupid. 

One simple way to get permission to give speakers feedback on style is to ask for it.  “May I give you some feedback on your personal style?”  will usually elicit a positive response.  Whether or not they listen to you is another matter.

We also earn the right to enter into the personal, psychological space of another person by listening deeply to what they have to say before we speak; by expressing real curiosity about their thoughts and feelings, and making sure that they get that we get them. Furthermore, we can’t do this effectively if we have an agenda of our own.  We must pursue the best interest of the other person, and leave our immediate self-interest out of the conversation.

In addition to:

– getting them to speak first

– asking them a whole bunch of questions about how it went

– listening like a maniac

– and being endlessly curious about what they’re saying,

I think you should start with the good stuff–what they did (or do) well–once you decide to start talking. 

Then ask them what they could do to be even better.  Ask them to clarify and expand on their comments, and then, if you think they can hear it, ask them if you can tell them what you think they could do to be better.  When they say, “Yes,” give it to them straight without using negative words.

For instance, instead of saying, “Your voice is boring,” you could say, “You will be more compelling when you vary the pitch and volume of your voice.”

Of course, the great football coaches are said to know how to talk to each player differently.  There may be some individuals who will respond to being told, “Your voice is boring and it’s undermining your impact.”  They may not respect you if they think you’re sugarcoating things.

However, regardless of your approach, your sense of purpose in these moments is of utmost significance.  Your client must interpret your rigorous coaching as your passionate commitment to his or her performance.  There should be no impatience, contempt or disdain creeping into your tone.

In a sense, you must model the behaviors that you advocate.  A sarcastic and condescending speaker will be more likely to listen to you if he (I’m assuming it’s a he) hears your advice as an expression of concern for his success and well-being.