Communication Skills: Presence in Conversation

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If you are present in a conversation or a meeting, you demonstrate your engagement by listening, responding, and then paying attention to how the other person receives your response. 

I have found a technique called Motivational Listening (ML) to be helpful in sales conversations and in talks with clients I am coaching.  The technique comes out of psychotherapy, and is designed to help the other person think about their thinking. 

ML techniques are represented by an acronym:  OARS

O stands for Open-ended Questions, questions that cannot be answered with a “Yes,” or “No.”  For example, “Why do you say that?” or “Can you tell me what you mean when you say ‘concerned’?”  Caveat:  don’t ask more than two or three questions in a row: It makes the other person feel interrogated.

A stands for Affirm.  Affirm the feelings that are either overtly expressed or implied.  For instance, “You seem proud of that accomplishment,” or, “I hear your frustration.”

R stands for Reflect.  This means you simply repeat the words back to the speaker.  For instance, if my prospect says, “I need to have leadership presence,” I could say right back to him, “You NEED to have leadership presence,” and then stop talking.   He will most likely jump right back in and say, “Yes, that’s what I want, and what my boss wants me to do.”

S stands for Summarize. When you get to a point in the conversation where things seem to be wrapping up, you do your listener a huge service by summarizing the gist of what he’s said.  For instance, “So your boss is concerned about your presentations.  You think you did well at the sales meeting, and you are frustrated that he keeps insisting that you need to develop more leadership presence.”  And then be quiet, and let the other person respond.

One of the deepest needs we have is to be heard.  When somebody “gets” that they have been “gotten,” they feel good. 

Using this technique, you are present in the conversation, not as the subject of the discussion, or as an equal participant, but as a witness for the other guy as he sorts through his thinking.

Read other blogs in this series:  Presentation Skills:  Stay Tuned for a Month of Presence, and Presence of Mind.

Sims Wyeth is a private speech coach in Montclair, NJ specializing in executive speech coaching and public speaking training in order to give accomplished people the knowledge and skill they need to become accomplished speakers. Learn more public speaking tips at www.SimsWyeth.com.

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Tags: Attention, communication skills, executive speech coaching, leadership skills, leadership training, leadership training ny, listening, listening skills, nj communication skills, nj presentation coaching, ny executive speech coaching, Presence, presentation coaching